Hello WoBistDude readers!
When I was asked to write an article for you, I knew I wanted to write about something meaningful and personal. As some of you may know, I was adopted from China by French Canadian parents. For the first time, I’m opening up about my experience as a transracial adoptee. Follow me as I take you through my personal experiences living in Canada, China and Germany!
-Arianne
***
I first arrived in Canada in July 1994 at the age of 15 months and grew up in Québec city surrounded by loving parents and an awesome little sister. I studied in the private school system, a predominantly white environment, with the understanding that I was different but never felt like an outsider. After all, the way I think and the way I speak is the same as everybody else in Québec! For this reason, adoption has never been a taboo subject for me. My adoptive parents are simply my parents. I’m generous, strong and sensitive like my mom. I’m hard working, driven and I love shopping (a lot) like my dad. I talk like them, I think like them and I share the values they taught me. All adoption represents for me is that I don’t physically look like my parents.
In high school, I moved to Ottawa and suddenly, I was surrounded by a lot more Asian people than I was used to. It was the first time it became apparent to me that I look a certain way and people have expectations around that. What’s so bad about being considered smart, docile, hard working, quiet, and possibly skilled in martial arts? While these stereotypes might not cause the same degree of prejudice, discrimination, and fear that other minority groups face, the subtlety of the prejudice makes it harder for people to take it seriously. People often don’t know where the line of offensiveness should be drawn. Comments such as «You look good for an Asian girl!», «Oh wow your French is pretty good! Where did you learn it? » or «I forget that you’re Asian because you act like a white person!» are often meant as compliments. Squinted eyes, funny accents, ninja sounds or comments like “You should be good at this, it’s in your genes!” are often meant as jokes. And I am not one to take offense. However, it is those comments that reinforce stereotypes. And the burden to prove to one stranger after another that I’m not a walking stereotype is laid upon me.
It is not easy to talk about this because nobody wants to be seen as an oversensitive person who’s quick to take offense at every little thing, or as someone that plays victim. The people that know me will tell you that I’m a positive and thick-skinned person. But you also have to understand those comments are said way more often than you think, and that accumulation can lead to reactions that can seem blown out of proportion from your standpoint. Keep in mind that offensive comments affects people way more than their hurt can possibly touch you. Not meaning something in an offensive way doesn’t mean it can’t be hurtful. Similarly, someone letting you know something is hurtful doesn’t have to be an accusation. On the contrary, it is the perfect opportunity to initiate a discussion. = )
After my bachelor degree, I wanted to travel the world. Like many Canadians, I decided to go teach English in Asia to earn some money and experience living abroad. The obvious choice for me was China. Growing up, I never had any interest in my biological roots. Maybe I lacked the knowledge and understanding of what it meant to be a member of my own ethnic group. And as many of us, it sometimes led me to make quick judgments about the culture. I thought that immersing myself in it would help me better understand and accept my origins. It was at 22 years old that for the first time, I went back to China. During my time there, as most expats do, I was hanging out with other expats: American, British, Danish, Swiss, Swedish, South African, French, German, Spanish, you name it! We stuck together and hung out in groups. I remember this specific street, Yongkang Lu, where Westerners would meet up all the time. I was shocked to realize that this was the equivalent of our “China Town” back home. It made me think of a prejudice people often have about Asian people only hanging out together when oversees. Being on the other side of the coin, I saw it in a totally different light: it is normal to group together with people who speak the same language, share the same culture and practice the same hobbies. It simply helps to adapt and dispel the loneliness of being in a foreign country.
I also quickly learned that for Chinese people, ethnicity is more important than nationality. To many Chinese, no matter where you are from, where you were born, or where you may live, you are always Chinese first. On the contrary, for Canadians, the ethnicity is less important than the nationality. It doesn’t matter what you look like or where you are from, if you are a Canadian citizen, you are Canadian. That was a new concept for me to understand, as most Chinese people couldn’t quite grasp the idea that I was Canadian and that I didn’t speak Mandarin. Consequently, I experience something I was warned about before coming to China. As an English teacher, my Chinese face immediately made my English skills suspect, which led to quick denials of employment. I also noticed the difference in treatment between my Western-looking friends and me: free entrance in bars or better service for example. The difference was subtle but noticeable. It was weird to realise that in Canada, I always felt like everybody but I looked different, and in China, I looked like everybody but I felt completely different.
In the fall of 2016, I moved to Germany for my master studies. Right away, I felt really at ease in the country, as many aspects of both Canadian and German cultures are similar; it made it easy for me to quickly adapt. However, I immediately noticed one big difference. From its very beginning, Canada has been an immigration-based country. Nowadays, second-generation immigrants, people that are Canadian-born and for whom at least one of both parents was born outside Canada, are extremely common; you have Canadians from all ethnic backgrounds. On the other hand, Germany has a very different history of immigration. This may account for why, in 2018, many people in Germany still seem to have a certain image in mind of what a foreigner looks like and what a German looks like.
Growing up in Canada, I now realized that I took multiculturalism for granted. Since I moved to Germany, one question I get regularly asked is “Where are you really from?”. That question might be asked out of curiosity. Some of you might even wonder what’s wrong with it. You might even add: “A friend of mine’s last name has Swedish origins. People are always asking about that, it’s not a big deal”. But when someone asks where I’m really from, often the implication is that they question an important part of my identity. It’s a statement of exclusion. That’s the difference between a stranger asking about an exotic last name and my “other than Canada” origins. As much as I don’t mind talking about my origins, like other aspects of my identity, I don’t particularly want to explain personal aspects of my life in my first interaction with other people. When you insist to know where I’m really from, I’m suddenly faced with 2 alternatives: either I tell you I’m from China, which is not really true, or tell you I’m adopted, which is personal information that I prefer telling on my own term in a later stage. Wanting to know more about friends’ origins is okay, but wanting to know about strangers “real” origins despite their original answer to satisfy your curiosity is not. Timing is everything, like for many things in life! = )
***
Don’t get me wrong; I am not a victim here. Well, not more of a victim than anybody that has been subjected to stereotypes. On the contrary, adoption is a beautiful thing and I am one of the lucky ones. I grew up in a loving family that gave me the best opportunities in life. I was fortunate enough to experience living and traveling in Asia in my early 20s. I have a great life in Germany where I have befriended amazing people. Looking back on my first 25 years of life, I have been extremely lucky. But in retrospective, there is also one important lesson I learned: the questions that we ask, the words that we choose, the jokes that we make and the looks that we give, they matter. They impact people in greater ways than we can imagine.
I grew up playing violin, because I liked music. I am shy and nerdy, because this is my personality. I don’t drink a lot of alcohol, because I don’t like the taste. I am polite and kind, because my parents raised me well. I am a mechanical engineer, because I am hard working. I love sushi, because I love sushi. And looking the way I do has nothing to do with any of it!
My friends, don’t judge a book by its cover, you might miss out on a unique story!
French Translation:
Bonjour chers lecteurs de WoBistDude!
Quand on m’a demandé d’écrire un article pour vous tous, j’ai tout de suite su que je voulais écrire à propos d’un sujet qui me tenait à coeur. Comme certains d’entre vous le savent déjà, j’ai été adopté en Chine par des parents Canadiens-français. Pour la première fois, je parle ouvertement de mon expérience avec l’adoption transraciale. Suivez-moi alors que je vous emmène dans mes aventures au cours de mes années au Canada, en Chine et en Allemagne!
***
Je suis arrivée au Canada en juillet 1994 à l’âge de 15 mois et j’ai grandi dans la ville de Québec entourée de parents formidables et d’une petite soeur géniale. J’ai fait mes études dans le système privé, un environnement majoritairement caucasien, en étant consciente que j’étais différente mais sans jamais me sentir exclue. Après tout, je pense et je parle comme tout le monde au Québec! Pour cette raison, l’adoption n’a jamais été un sujet tabou pour moi. Mes parents adoptifs sont tout simplement mes parents. Je suis généreuse, forte et sensible comme ma mère. Je suis vaillante, fonceuse et j’aime (beaucoup) magasiner comme mon père. Je parle comme eux, je pense comme eux et je partage les valeurs qu’ils m’ont inculquées. Toute ce que l’adoption représente à mes yeux, c’est que je ne ressemble pas physiquement à mes parents!
Durant mes études secondaires, j’ai déménagé à Ottawa et soudainement, je me suis retrouvée entourée de beaucoup plus d’asiatiques que ce dont j’avais l’habitude. C’était la première fois que je me rendais compte qu’il existait certaines attentes rattachées à mon physique. Qu’y a-t-il de mal à être considérée intelligente, docile, travaillante, tranquille et peut-être même douée en arts martiaux? Bien que ces stéréotypes n’incitent pas nécessairement le même degré de préjugés, de discrimination et de peur que certaines autres minorités visibles, leur subtilité fait en sorte qu’il est plus difficile de prendre le tout au sérieux. Les gens ont tendance à avoir de la difficulté à prendre conscience de l’écart tenu entre ce qui est blessant et ce qui est socialement acceptable. Des commentaires tels que «Tu es belle pour une fille asiatique!», «Oh wow, ton français est plutôt bon! Où l’as-tu appris?» ou «J’oublie que tu es asiatique parce que tu agis comme une personne blanche!» sont souvent supposés être des compliments. Des yeux plissés, des drôles d’accents, des sons de ninja ou des commentaires du style “Tu devrais être bonne à ça, c’est dans tes gênes!” sont aussi souvent censés être des blagues. Et je ne suis pas quelqu’un qui tend à se vexer. En revanche, ce sont ce genre de commentaires qui renforce les stéréotypes. Et en bout de ligne, le fardeau de prouver à un étranger après un autre que je ne suis pas un stéréotype ambulant repose sur moi.
Ce n’est pas un sujet facile à aborder car personne ne veut être perçue comme quelqu’un d’hypersensible qui s’offusque à un rien ou qui joue le rôle de victime. Les gens qui me connaissent vous diront que je ne suis pas une personne très susceptible ou négative. Mais vous devez également comprendre que ces genres de commentaires sont omniprésents dans la vie de tous les jours, et qu’une accumulation peut mener à des réactions pouvant sembler exagérées de votre point de vue. Gardez en tête que ces commentaires peuvent toucher les gens plus profondément que vous pouvez vous l’imaginer. Ne pas avoir l’intention de dire un commentaire offensant ne veut pas nécessairement dire pas que ce dernier ne sera pas blessant aux yeux de quelqu’un d’autre. De même, quelqu’un qui vous informe que quelque chose est blessant ne doit pas nécessairement être perçu comme une accusation. Au contraire, c’est l’occasion idéale d’entamer une discussion. ☺
Après mon baccalauréat, je voulais voyager aux quatre coins de la planète. Comme de nombreux canadiens, j’ai décidé d’aller enseigner l’anglais en Asie pour gagner de l’argent et vivre à l’étranger. Naturellement, la Chine était le choix logique pour moi. En grandissant, je dois avouer que je n’ai jamais eu d’intérêt quand ça venait à mes racines biologiques. Peut-être que le fait de ne pas connaitre et comprendre l’implication de faire partie d’un certain groupe ethnique en est une cause. Et comme beaucoup d’entre nous, cela m’a parfois amené à porter des jugements rapides. Je me suis dit que m’immerger dans la culture m’aiderait peut-être à mieux comprendre et accepter mes origines. C’est à 22 ans que je suis ainsi retournée en Chine pour la première fois. Lors de mon séjour là-bas, comme la plupart des expatriés, je me tenais avec d’autres expatriés: Américains, Britanniques, Danois, Suisses, Sud-africains, Français, Allemands, Espagnols, pour n’en nommer que quelques-uns! Nous formions des groupes et restions ensemble peu importe où nous allions. Je me rappelle spécifiquement d’une rue, Yongkang Lu, où les occidentaux se retrouvaient régulièrement. J’ai été choquée de réaliser que c’était un peu l’équivalent de notre “China Town” à la maison. Cela m’a immédiatement fait penser à un préjugé qu’on a souvent quant aux asiatiques qui se tiennent toujours ensemble lorsqu’à l’étranger. Les rôles étant maintenant renversés, je le voyais sous un jour complètement différent: il est normal de se regrouper avec des gens qui parlent la même langue, partagent la même culture et pratiquent les mêmes passetemps. Cela aide simplement à s’adapter et à dissiper la solitude d’être seul à l’étranger.
J’ai également appris bien vite que pour les Chinois, l’ethnicité est plus importante que la nationalité. Pour beaucoup de Chinois, peu importe d’où tu viens, où tu es né ou où tu vis, tu es Chinois avant tout. Au contraire, pour les Canadiens, l’ethnicité est moins importante que la nationalité. Peu importe à quoi tu ressembles ou d’où tu viens, si tu es un citoyen canadien, tu es Canadien. C’est un concept auquel j’ai dû m’habituée, car la plupart des Chinois ne se faisaient pas à l’idée que j’étais Canadienne et que je ne parlais pas le mandarin. Par conséquent, j’ai été bizarrement victime d’une drôle de situation dont j’avais été prévenue avant mon arrivée en Chine. En tant que professeur d’anglais, mes traits chinois rendaient immédiatement mes compétences en anglais suspectes, ce qui a mené à plusieurs reprises à des refus d’emploi. J’ai aussi pu remarquer plusieurs différences quant au traitement que mes amis occidentaux recevaient par rapport au miens: des entrées gratuites dans les bars ou un meilleur service au restaurant, par exemple. Les différences étaient subtiles mais présentes. C’était bizarre de soudainement réaliser qu’au Canada, je m’étais toujours sentie comme tout le monde, mais j’avais l’air différente, et qu’en Chine, je ressemblais à tout le monde, mais je me sentais complètement différente.
En automne 2016, j’ai déménagé en Allemagne pour mes études à la maitrise. Je me suis instantanément sentie très à l’aise dans ce pays car de nombreux aspects de la culture canadienne et allemande sont semblables; cela a grandement facilité mon intégration. Cependant, une grande différence culturelle m’a frappée dès mon arrivée. Depuis ses tout débuts, le Canada a été un pays d’immigration. De nos jours, on retrouve des immigrants de seconde génération, quiconque né au Canada avec au moins un parent né à l’extérieur du pays, un peu partout. En effet, vous trouverez des Canadiens de toutes ethnicités! Par contre, l’histoire de l’immigration en Allemagne est très différente. Cela explique peut-être pourquoi, en 2018, beaucoup d’allemands semblent encore avoir des idées préconstruites de ce à quoi ressemble un étranger et à quoi ressemble un allemand.
Ayant grandi au Canada, je réalise maintenant que j’ai longtemps pris le multiculturalisme pour acquis. Depuis mon déménagement en Allemagne, la question «D’où viens-tu vraiment?» m’est posée régulièrement. Celle-ci est peut-être posée simplement par curiosité. Certains d’entre vous se demandent peut-être même ce qui ne va pas avec cette question banale. D’autres ajouteront peut-être: “ Le nom de famille d’un de mes amis a des origines suédoises. Les gens lui posent toujours des questions à ce sujet, ce n’est pas grave!” Mais quand quelqu’un me demande d’où je viens vraiment, cela implique souvent qu’ils remettent en question une importance facette de mon identité: c’est une forme d’exclusion sociale. Voilà la différence entre un étranger voulant en savoir plus sur un nom de famille exotique et mes vraies origines. Bien que ça ne me dérange aucunement d’en parler, comme tout autres aspects de mon identité, je préfère habituellement ne pas dévoiler certains détails de ma vie privée lors de mon premier contact avec quelqu’un. Ainsi, lorsqu’on insiste à savoir d’où je viens vraiment, je me retrouve soudainement face à deux alternatives: soit je réponds que je viens de Chine, ce qui n’est pas vrai en soi, ou je réponds que je suis adoptée, un détail que je préfère habituellement dévoilé un peu plus tard dans une relation d’amitié. Vouloir en savoir plus sur les origines d’un ami est tout à fait normal. Par contre, vouloir connaitre les «vraies» origines d’un étranger malgré leur réponse initiale afin de satisfaire votre curiosité est une toute autre histoire. Tout est une question de timing, comme pour de nombreuses choses dans la vie! ☺
***
Ne vous méprenez pas, je ne suis pas à plaindre ici. Et bien, pas plus que quiconque qui a déjà été victime de stéréotypes. Au contraire, l’adoption est une belle chose et j’ai été choyée par la vie. J’ai grandi dans une merveilleuse famille qui m’a permis de réaliser tout ce que je voulais entreprendre dans la vie. J’ai eu la chance de vivre et de voyager en Asie dans ma jeune vingtaine. Je suis extrêmement heureuse en Allemagne où je me suis liée d’amitié avec des gens formidables. Quand je repense à mes 25 premières années de vie, je peux dire avec certitude que j’ai été plus que choyée. Mais avec du recul, il y a aussi une importante leçon que j’ai tirée: les questions que nous posons, les mots que nous choisissons, les blagues que nous faisons et les regards que nous donnons, ils comptent. Ils ont un énorme impact sur les gens qui nous entourent, un impact plus important que l’on peut s’imaginer.
J’ai grandi en jouant du violon, car j’aimais la musique. Je suis timide et nerd, car c’est ma personnalité. Je ne bois pas beaucoup d’alcool, car je n’aime pas le gout. Je suis polie et gentille, car mes parents m’ont bien élevée. Je suis une ingénieure mécanique, car je suis travaillante. J’adore les sushis, car j’adore les sushis. Et mon apparence physique n’a rien à voir avec quoi que ce soit!
Mes amis, l’habit ne fait pas le moine! Ne soyez pas si vite à porter des jugements car vous pourriez passer à côté d’une histoire unique! ☺
Arianne is a French Canadian girl currently doing her master at the Technical University of Munich. She speaks French, English and is currently learning German. She likes traveling, equality, sarcasm, shopping, real conversations, good food, self-awareness and generosity.
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